Still mystified

4am.

I'm thinking again, to put together Words God has been speaking to me this week vs what I have seen what I have heard...

Earlier this week a good friend sent me an article about the cruelty inflicted on the east Timorese by the Indonesians military during the invasion of East Timor. Evidence presented in a report that Timorese President Xanana Gusmao would hand to UN Secretary-General Kofi Anan. I couldn't believe pain and burden that struck my heart when I read the article, I don't understand why but I knew it broke something within me. I dont' know why the past weeks I've had this coldness in my heart, going through the motions of duty and responsibility but my heart was numb. I inquired, silence. I wonder God why?

PRAY.
Prayed til the burden lifted. Why God? did u offer me the carrot of going there to help with malnutrition as a result of starvation used as a weapon of warfare, then take it away? is it to increase my burden to pray? AND yet something broke. Deeper level of intercession.

This time home, I look at reality. Its a different world. With what do we measure success, what is the measure of one's worth? The question of: What should we have achieved by this age, by this stage in life? By what standards do we measure ourselves again?

God knows what is going to be battling in my mind. I started to wonder and waver.
Was the tithe of one year in my life worth it when most people are out there climbing the corporate ladder. I'm 25 going to to be 26 this year.... did I waste a year? NO WAY!

PRAY.

" Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. "
- 2 Cor4:16-18

What does God value? People. What can u take with you to heaven? People " Naked I entered this world, naked I should leave".

" Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labour us not in vain in the Lord"
- 1 Cor 15:58

What am I doing? What am I to do in 2006. Time to live for myself. I want my way!!

PRAY.
Submission
" For the love of Christ who compels us, because we judge thus: that if One died for all, then all died; and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again. "
- 2 Cor5:14-15

"And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work "- 2 Cor9:8

I marvel at this thing called PRAYER

Sometimes it seems like meaningless mutterings into space, u wonder if anyone hears if its a vent of ur frustration or what u really feel that no one else in the who wide world could take and still look at you the same way.

Yet its powerful beyond measure. Able to change circumstances, break strongholds, change mindsets.

God, You use the foolish things of this world to put to shame that which is wise, You use the base things of this world to put to shame that which is proud.

You use the easiest thing to do to tear down what is impossible to achieve by the most eloquent of speech, more powerful of weaponry and what riches cannot buy. Yet sometimes its the hardest thing that we would do even the last thing? Why? perhaps its humbling to ask for help, perhaps we don't think much of getting on our knees and making out problems known to what seems to be air in a quiet room. I think its a spiritual thing too that it can be a struggle cos darkness knows its the most powerful thing to call upon the name of Jesus, that which he has no chance of victory over.

God, Your ways are a mystery.

Mystery: anything beyond the possibility of full explanation.